Monday, November 29, 2010

Day Twenty-Nine - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I need to be more verbal about my needs and wants.. and not merely accept hidden rules just because that is what the other person feels, thinks or views. That's all I have to say on this.. otherwise this may turn into a REALLY long post.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Day Twenty-Eight - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If I were able to get pregnant - I'd carry it...but when Lennon was born I made the decision that after the birth of 4 boys ..a plethora of miscarriages that I would stop right then and there.. and I don't regret it.. I am ok with the decision of not having anymore children... but if I were...I'd keep it...

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Day Twenty-Seven - What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Hmm not to sound conceited.. but me? LOL I am heading into a new business venture with some new awesome friends and business partners..over at the Flying Pig Art Center... the crochet hats... are rocking this town...and knowing where my passion is (or isn't)...

Friday, November 26, 2010

Day Twenty-Six - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yea..when I was younger (way younger before the social worker...before my kids) .. being in foster care had is drawback.. the rejection ... the bullying because you're parents didn't want you...didn't love you...or couldn't.. I'll never know the truth or the reality of it.. and that's ok... but it was devastating...going to school feeling like a reject... and then being taunted because I didn't have "real" parents... and yet they were my real parents.. despite the troubles..and I may not agree now with what happened and how things were... but it was the times.. the era... my childhood...and because of that I am who I am today... and for that I am thankful.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Day Twenty-Five - The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

The reason I am still alive today is because of one social worker who believed in me. One person who told me I was smart and I could accomplish anything I intended too. I am also alive today because of my beautiful children.. or should I say handsome (they are all boys)... my kids rock...they keep me grounded...connected...

I am alive - because I want to live... I refuse to give up...give in...

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day Twenty-Four - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

Breath - Three Days Grace
Cher - Strong Enough
All that Remains - Believe in Nothing
Carly Simon - You're so vein
Toby Keith - Talk about me

These are just a few that come to mind and I chose them because I feel irrelevant, less important, smothered to the point of the inability to breath. Any conversation I have turns to you - always. There is nothing I can talk about that you don't have an experience with - no point in my life where I can feel important in your eyes because you need to feel more important. You're so vein that you think every emotion, feeling and mood has anything and everything to do with you. Like I am not allowed to be impacted by anyone or anything else. Yet, when I explain anything... its wrong.. it doesn't make sense.. and no matter.. neither of us are changing.. you'll continue with this... and I... who knows...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Day Twenty-Three - Something you wish you had done in your life.

This goes back to the regret thing - which I seriously try not to do... it also goes with the its not too late to fulfill your dream. It may have taken some time but I now I have the business I wanted and I have the degree that I wanted. This of course doesn't mean it ends here..I am building on those original dreams..moving mountains one pebble at a time...advocacy is in my future... I already do this but I am thinking on a bigger scale..

Monday, November 22, 2010

Day Twenty-Two - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

My youngest son has taught me to live with no regrets. Life is to short to live with what-if's and should haves or shouldn't haves. It is much easier to take those experiences - turn them into lesson's and move forward. Living in the past hasn't done me (or anyone else I know) any good. I've taken some of those experiences and written them in my book ... they have changed my outlook on life without changing more core. Experiences allow for growth - the continuous evolving of our inner-selves. If we don't grow - we stay stuck and are unable to move forward. At the same time - the experiences have taught me to think harder (and longer) about the next move (like a chess game).

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Day Twenty-One (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

 Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Go find that best friend and be there... no fight is worth not caring. 

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Day Twenty - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Having had a difficult history with drugs and alcohol .. its one of those things .. that well we all need to be aware of. We should take care of ourselves and our body .. but I still like to go out and have a few beers (or whatever the mood strikes me) now and again. I gave up shots - I am not in it for being blistering drunk where I can't remember the next morning what I did or didn't do. Hated those days... tho they were fun at the time.

As a mental health person I get the addiction aspect and we do need to know and have some keen self-awareness. It helps if we know our parents and their drinking habits. One of the things that I became aware off during my studies in mental health is that when children have alcoholic parents - these children don't want to be like their parents and go to the opposite extreme, and there children go back to the other (which is drinking). We should be living somewhere in the middle - knowing the damage drugs and alcohol can do - knowing that wine in some moderation can be health beneficial. It isn't all bad, seriously!

That's all I got to say about that..for now...

Friday, November 19, 2010

Day Nineteen- What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Wouldn't this just open up a can of worms? I think so. What do I think about religion.. hmm well I have one... some of us do .. and some of us don't. Religion is a broad aspect and we do or don't belief in something. Some kind of higher power and religious denominations have different names for that higher power. There is a beauty of being individuals - of the ability to choose what and who as well as how we belief in that higher power- whatever this may mean to you. There is a beauty in believing in the magic of nature - the continuous circle of life (and death) that surrounds us, but even in death beauty can be found.

In my core, I belief that Religion is a tree and that all denominations are mere branches of this seed that started this tree. One day we may be able to be as harmonious as a tree - living together - part as a unit - like the tree.

You asked about politics.. I think its sad that we don't know who to belief. That we have (and allow) the ad campaigns that can get so messy to make this other candidate look dirty. What happen to looking out for the people of this country? Seriously, I am not against helping others and other nations, but what about your own? I grew up in a socialized health care system and while I don't know if that would work here or not, I do think that something needs to change for the people who can't afford the crazy insane insurance rates. Or even the (legal) immigrants that live here, pay taxes here.

that's all I got for today

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Day Eighteen - Your views on gay marriage.

Accept them already!

This is 2010 - an era in which we we thrive for acceptance, equality, less hate, less discrimination and so forth.

Not that difficult to accept - why fight it because in the end I belief it will happen... history repeats...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Day Seventeen - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

This is a difficult one to answer because since finishing school in September I haven't picked up another book to ready. I had been reading text books for 3 years and as I am thinking about this now I guess I did open my mind to some possibilities but I can't say I changed my view on this.

Addiction - Disease Model or not?

The Disease Model deems that with this thought that it is a lifelong disease involving biologic and environmental sources. Further, it inclines that within this model - addiction is hereditary (genetically linked). However, it seems it requires an environmental type of trigger (trauma).

Perhaps there is some truth in this and the fact that some people don't become addicts (despite the genetic link and/or trauma) is that they are stronger people? They are the extreme opposite of their parents (Caretaker)?

Only part of me seems to accept this while the other part of me says.. umm no so maybe I haven't changed my view fully and am still sitting on the fence...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Day Sixteen - Someone or something you definitely could live without.

A messy house I can live without a messy house. This isn't an easy feat with 6 people calling his home and its perhaps more clutter than mess - and then it isn't really clutter - its just that the house is too small for a 6 people and a business - I need a basement - or an added section or a studio or somewhere where I can keep all this stuff that is essential for my creating of things.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Day Fifteen - Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Somethings: My Coffee - oh how I cant live without my coffee

                                         and

My friggen computer.. I tried.. I tried so hard.. I am addicted to this thing

Someone: Other than my kids in my life - I can't think of anyone else - I might feel a period of grief or loss when someone is removed from my life - but I can live without them - just one of those things about me..

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Day Fourteen - A hero that has let you down. (letter)

I wrote about this in my book. A betrayal or several of them - betrayal from my parents, foster parents, others and mostly myself. It is something I have already done - though a letter to my dad is still in holding - it is still something I am processing. There are something in our life that are difficult to let go, even when we should because it holds us back, hinders us from growth and becoming more and more the person we should be. We are influenced early on by the people that surround us and as we move the the motions of loving and hating our parents its a battle. The battle of - you are my dad - I should love you and the battle of the rational mind that says, you don't have to love him or like him. I thank you dad for meeting my mom, creating me and not being willing to take the responsibility of raising me. I thank you for instilling fear into me - for allowing me to learn the lesson of hugging my child(ren), of loving them, for making me understand the kind of parent I want to do. By far  I am not perfect and made my mistakes but because of you (or partially because of you) I was given the brain to make decisions - how to correct my own mistakes as i was going through the motions of parenthood. As my youngest son is struggling with his health, there was a time I wanted you in his life but this question today reflected to me, why? Why do I want you in my life when you have given nothing but hurt to me? Well ok with the exception of having participated in giving me life? I am ok, I don't think of you often anymore or at least not as much as I used to. I am ok with that. While you have let me down in the past - I will no longer allow it to take control or be a ruling factor in my life and in the person that I am today or tomorrow or any other future date.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Day Thirteen - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.

The answer should be in a form of a letter.. and perhaps would require more than one post - one in each decade? One for each day in which I thought I can't do it anymore.

I have gotten through days with the likes of Iron Maiden, Cher, Blue October, The Beatles, Motley Crue, Poison, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, Garth Brooks, Chris LeDoux, Herbert Groenemeyer, Nena, Hoobastank and Incubus and so many more..

Music - is a healing form of art. It pumps you up - it lets you cry. The lyrics speaking to our hearts because they describe exactly how we feel at one time or another. We listen to the music when we break up with one we shared a life with. We listen to music when we had a crappy day at work to cheer us up. We listen to music to make us belief again... dear musicians... thank you for what you do - you allow us to life in your music, experience our sorrows as you experience yours - your words pick us up when we are down and make a shitty day a better one...

Friday, November 12, 2010

Day Twelve - Something you never get compliments on.

Never?

This seems to me that this question would indicate that I place a lot of value on what other people think. While at the same time acknowledging that being recognized in some capacity  is an important human element as it somehow in our brain waves connects with our self-esteem.

I don't have an answer and this too seems odd, no? I don't know... perhaps I will think of something later?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Day Eleven - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Could be a tie between strength and talent. I often hear that people don't know how I do it. Do what, you ask? Well, having a special needs child who is awaiting another (the third) liver transplant, raising other children, being in a relationship and run a business... that's what. And to me this isn't enough? I should be out there helping people, make their own lifes better and richer (and not with money).. I should be a foster parent to make another child's future better than their past... but ha I am no super-woman.. but my strength seems to be in the winning lead with "you are so talented" in close second. Well, I thank you for your compliment!!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Day Ten - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Again - there are a select few that I could have done without - but it is through my mistakes, their actions, and actions of my own that I have learned to grow - and what not to repeat in the future. Live with no regret (often easier said then done) but I am attempting it. Wishing not to know someone - well I might as well wish I wasn't born - but that doesn't reflect me or who I am. I am who I am because of the people early in my life - and I am who I am due to my own actions and thoughtful reflections.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day Nine - Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

This is a bit of a difficult one as I have met some people who left impressions in my heart and I am alright not being in contact with them. Then there are the people who I reconnected with .. don't you just love facebook? Like really.. come on.. don't you want to reconnect with people who bullied you? Who took advantage of you? Who broke your heart? Who lifted you up? Who gave you that shoulder?

Honestly, I have no person that I recall that I didn't want to let go and that just drifted, well ok perhaps one..one person who I think about often that even shares my DNA. We talked briefly in 2001 and then lost touch. He's my brother.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Day Eight - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

It would be easy to blame others who may have participate of this kind of treatment - but that also means I was a willing participant. We are (often) our own worst enemy - when we should be our own best friend. Yes, there have been days and moments in life where I made my own life hell (or at least miserable enough to perhaps resemble a dark place) and I have treated myself pretty badly at times.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Day Seven - Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Me! No but seriously.. the biggest cliche answer would be my kids - each having taught me different lessons - each of them having given me different headaches - each of them having given me happiness. Each of them being so different and in a quirky way the same.

My oldest (18) ten-feet tall and bullet proof, who often thinks he knows better than I do (or any other adult for that matter) who in the end has a good heart and a decent head on his shoulders who allows me to acknowledge that I did something right. He has taught me love and what it means to be a child.

My 2nd oldest (16) who I barely know but taught me early on the kind of strength I hold and that unconditional love means to look out what is best for him and to not be self-fish in the matter of the heart. The child whose intellect amazes me with ambition high enough to resemble me in some ways.

My third (12) who has taught me what it means to laugh and even be a little crazy sometimes. Who is comfortable in his own skin despite the fact that red-heads still get picked on. Who can joke one second and flare with anger the next (yes I am the mother of a Red-headed Aries ).

My fourth (7) who taught me what it means to live, what it means not to give up (EVER). It's not been an easy road - but a road I wouldn't change for the world.

Me! Yes I have made my own life worth living for. If it wasn't for me, then I wouldn't have met my boys. I wouldn't have learned the lessons given - and I wouldn't be in a place to help others.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Day Six - Something you hope you never have to do.

This one warrants no thought. As my son is waiting on another transplant (liver) I hope that he will make it through the surgery. It is hard not to remember what he (we) underwent the last time we did this, and while I am more prepared now - it doesn't change the risk and the facts of this life-saving surgery and the state of his medical condition. I will not spell out what I hope to never have to do - because I find this is probably more than self-explanatory at least in my mind (if-you-don't-wish-it-don't-write-it-kind-of-thinking).

Friday, November 5, 2010

Day Five - Something you hope to do in your life.

I'm a woman full of dreams and goals and I am happy that some of them have come together for me. For one - yes I have earned (one) of the degrees I wanted and two - wanted a craft store - and while it may not be the traditional craft store I envisioned 16 years ago - its good enough for me (technology is a beautiful thing- really it is well ok until it goes kaputt). And there are still some things I have left to accomplish - such as the ongoing debate of eventually going back to school (what are you nuts? Seriously?) and well becoming a foster parent (oh yes I am crazy!).

I remember having that one social worker that believed in me and it only takes one person that can affect/effect and change someones life.  I want to be that kind of person to make an impact on another. I think my children have learned some lessons - they have certainly taught me some and if I can share a life and give love to another child - yes!

When I gave birth to my youngest (who is now 7) I decided that I no longer will or want to bear children (4 kids and I was done for). It is a decision I don't regret but I do have the longing and wanting to be a foster mom - it is on the goal list once said youngest has pulled through the next surgery in waiting.. I will in deed make a difference and make someone's life so much better

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day Four - Something you have to forgive someone for.

I reflect on this and go.. wow.. hmm ok... and then there it was I knew who I needed to forgive - but it is utterly personal but it is a cleansing of the mind and soul for me  and gosh yet so utterly personal.

I do forgive you for hurting me- disrespecting me because you have given me something so much better. You have given me lessons I wouldn't have learned had it not been for your action. I used to think of you often, at first but as time moved on and learned about life (love, strength, what it means to be humble and more) you slowly went away. Occasionally I give you a thought - wondering why I am not angry or should I say angrier - but then I remember the gift you have given me - this beautiful gift - I forgive you.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day Three - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Forgiving myself seemed weird or even incomprehensible to me at some point but as the years went on - I learned - I grew - even matured in some ways and I knew it meant that forgiving ourselves is at times perhaps the hardest thing we will ever do. There are definitely some things in life that I am not proud of and perhaps need to forgive myself and there are some decisions I have made (and not regretted thus it warrants no forgiving - perhaps at least not to myself). 

One of the things I forgive myself for is living too long in the shadow of my upbringing and for the lack of belief in myself for too long. It's easy to get wrapped up, play the victim, blame others for your own short-comings perhaps. Yes, I'm a foster child - so what? It's part of who I am sure - in part it defined some aspects of who I am - but it doesn't mean I need to live in the shadow where negativity lingers. I forgive myself for not living sooner.

I don't know if it was my book (I was able to publish and that brought forth healing) or my children teaching me to love - teaching me to live. Perhaps facing the challenges of life and death in my son's life has allowed me to live. It certainly has allowed me to no longer live in the shadow of my parents or foster parents - I forgive myself blaming them for my own shortcomings for so long (oh shock - I'm not perfect oh well ^_^).

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Opportunity awaits you


Flying Pig Art Center is trying to save the arts in Scottsville. 
The gallery will be changing to an all handmade art and craft vendor center for artists of all types, featuring vendor spaces for as little as $30.00, welcoming even the smallest crafter. The projected grand re-opening date is Dec 4th.  The Flying Pig Art Center is proud to offer the community a place to support local artists and buy American!

ARTIST AND CRAFT VENDORS NEEDED

A wonderful opportunity to display and sell your item. Scottsville is a small town in the horseshoe bend of the James River close to the Blue Ridge Mountains.

FLYING PIG ART CENTER,  561 VALLEY ST.,  SCOTTSVILLE, VA

* 434-996-7388 *

Find us on FACEBOOK

 
VENDOR SPACES STARTING AS LOW AS $30/MONTH  UP TO $125/MONTH
 *NO COMMISSON TAKEN*
*STUDIO SPACE AVAILABLE FOR $150.00

*GRAND OPENING ON DEC. 4TH 2010
*HOLIDAY MARKET DEC. 16TH-23RD
*MOVE IN DATE IS NOV. 28TH

Day Two - Something you love about yourself.

It's interesting to me that there was a time that I couldn't even answer this one. Yea really, I was pretty messed up back then. But now there are many things I love about myself.. and shouldn't we love ourselves? I mean really care just a little bit more - acknowledge our own being - we do this daily with our loved ones.
Anyway, one of the things I love about myself is my creative talent. My creativity has not only provided with means of therapy and healing but a means of survival. When I acknowledged that working full time out of the home wouldn't or couldn't happen due to my sons medical condition, I needed to find something. Something that could keep me busy, kill time, and well bring in some money so that we shall be able to eat, perhaps even pay some bills.

With that I also love that I often will look for possibilities and opportunities rather than focus so much no the negative - yes when one do closes another one opens - one just has to belief and look. My creative talent and my thinking have provided me with some good tools and set a fire in my heart. I believe in the handmade movement - and I am loving the fact I am part of it .. as I love creating and was giving the ability to do so.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Day One - Something you hate about yourself.

We all have things  we don't like about ourselves or even hate, seems natural right? We also have the power to change it.. anyway.. something that I hate about myself is needing/wanting to take on too much. It's not that I don't know how to say no - because I do - but I often think I can do it all. It's also a pride thing perhaps, its the lack of reaching out for help (especially when I may need it the most). I think it goes back to the days where the only person I could trust, count and lean on is ... well myself. I never bothered wanting someone else's help in matters.. I am smart.. I can figure it out. However, reality is that occasionally we do need others.. we need their wisdom, their shoulders, their hugs and their love and the emotional support and at times, we may even need a little bit of financial support. I think over the years, especially with my son's health and life at times in jeopardy I've learned to ask for emotional support, and while there is a financial struggle more often then not.. that is hard. I don't ask for help - I can do it - I can figure it out.. but the fact that I have a difficult time doesn't surprise me - but it is still something I am not very fond of when it comes to one of the things I hate about myself. And yet - I have a mind that allows me to figure it all out - but I must learn to ask when it seems difficult to reach in any capacity (emotionally or financially). Asking for help is not a sign of weakness - perhaps its more of a sign of strength - acknowledging that sometimes we just can't do on our own - acknowledging we are humans with (some) limitations.