Sunday, November 14, 2010

Day Fourteen - A hero that has let you down. (letter)

I wrote about this in my book. A betrayal or several of them - betrayal from my parents, foster parents, others and mostly myself. It is something I have already done - though a letter to my dad is still in holding - it is still something I am processing. There are something in our life that are difficult to let go, even when we should because it holds us back, hinders us from growth and becoming more and more the person we should be. We are influenced early on by the people that surround us and as we move the the motions of loving and hating our parents its a battle. The battle of - you are my dad - I should love you and the battle of the rational mind that says, you don't have to love him or like him. I thank you dad for meeting my mom, creating me and not being willing to take the responsibility of raising me. I thank you for instilling fear into me - for allowing me to learn the lesson of hugging my child(ren), of loving them, for making me understand the kind of parent I want to do. By far  I am not perfect and made my mistakes but because of you (or partially because of you) I was given the brain to make decisions - how to correct my own mistakes as i was going through the motions of parenthood. As my youngest son is struggling with his health, there was a time I wanted you in his life but this question today reflected to me, why? Why do I want you in my life when you have given nothing but hurt to me? Well ok with the exception of having participated in giving me life? I am ok, I don't think of you often anymore or at least not as much as I used to. I am ok with that. While you have let me down in the past - I will no longer allow it to take control or be a ruling factor in my life and in the person that I am today or tomorrow or any other future date.